My life is spiriling towards failure

I was watching a YouTube video the other day, and the video asked "what are you most happy about in life"? (for those of you wondering, it was sXePhil).

It occurred to me then that I'm not emotionally or physically happy. While materialistically I'm content, I have no realistic goals nor anything to live up to. I live for no one and no one lives for me. I have no friends here in Virginia and my social statues is down in the shitter. My grades suck compare to my peers and I'm constantly looked down upon for impossible things that can't be accomplished by me. The classes I'm taking are a laughingstock among pretty much everyone I know and even my underlings look down upon me.

I opt to change but I think my life already took a permanent turn towards a unchangeable, miserable road towards epic failure.

I stole $600+ dollars

Ever hear of the saying that money is the root of all evil? Well today I found out what that means first hand.

On my previous blog, I said I was addicted to the internet. Well the internet wasn't the only thing I was addicted to. Part of it was MapleStory (online game). Due to my stupidity and blindness from the world, I went as low as to keylog my own dad. I persuaded him to go into his bank account and bam. Just like that, I had all his info.

For the past 3 weeks, I've been secretly going inside his account and taking money. At first, it was very litle ($5 at most). Eventually, it got bigger and bigger. My last (AND FINAL!!!!!!!!!!) transaction was a total of $190. And before that, $100 and even before that $90.

I started adding up all the money I took and the number was beyond shocking. All I can say is wow. If I was any older, I'm pretty sure I would be locked up in jail for 10+ years for this.

Of course, I plan to pay back everything in full but who knows how long that'll take....

In case this somehow makes it to the public (I've seen few blogs that were like this that somehow reached the media), I will be removing all my private information temporarily.

I have internet addiction disorder

Today, I finally figured it was time to put a stop to my down-hilled life. I knew my obsession for using computers was one of my primary sources of laziness so I decided to do some research.

From here on, everything I say will be full of irony. Literally.

I'm sitting down and I go to Google and type "Internet addiction" (ironically on the internet). There, to my surprise, a lot of results popped up. Some say it's fake while others insist it's real. I took this one test that gave me a score from 1 - 100. I got a 89, which is basically fully addicted. I looked for some help (ironically on the internet) did more research. Turns out everyone is categorized. Personally, I was categorized into Gaming and blogging (not this blog). There, it led me to different websites (ironically on the internet) that gave advices.

One particular website that I found to be interesting was another blogger account, which ironically enough, was intended to help blogging addicted users.

anyway, I guess the whole point of this blog was just to point out that internet addiction disorder is probably the biggest form of irony there is. Sure, a person may go to the library or go to a doctor to find out stuff like this, but why go through the trouble when the internet can give it to you right there (ironically).

My math teacher's a racist

No, I'm not just saying this because I hate her. If not for the fact that she treats me like crap, I personally think she's a great teacher.

But honestly, she doesn't even try to conceal the fact that she hates me. I mean, she hand-picks her favorites in the class and treats them differently. Their actually all the kids who gets A's.

Today, for example, was really obvious. I'm working in a group with 3 other kids and she comes over to check up on us. She says these nice compliments to everyone in the table like how "Oh -person 1- is doing all the work again (jokingly)" and "Wow -person 2-, your doing good! Keep it up!". She totally skips me. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I bet she was pretending I wasn't even there. She didn't even look at my paper, let alone eye contact.

Well whatever. She'll soon learn I'm not the slacker she thinks I am...

PS: I'm 100% sure this is NOT her intentions. If, what your thinking is this is her plan to get me to work harder in class, then you sir/ma'am are wrong. I've dealt with teachers who did that and, although all humans are different, she showed no signs of this.

Woo spring breaks over ._.''

And I did absolutetly nothing!!

Never have I regretted not doing anything.

During the whole spring break, if I wasn't at work or church, I was sitting in front of my computer, unproductively wasting my time. While I could have been working on some magnificant program or drawing art or anything productive, I didnt.

Of course, it's not entirely my fault. I've been waiting for this certain "friend" to send me this particular program I needed. He ended up delaying this for over 2 weeks. He was suppose to give it to me by late Monday last week; Tuesday morning the latest. Instead, he makes me wait and hope during the whole spring break. Finally, on the LAST day of Spring break, he contacts me (finally ._.'') and tells me a promised day of late tuesday or wednesday morning the latest.

In other news, my mom's finally leaving to Korea. I'm not exactly sad but I'm not exactly happy.

I guess if I were to put it in a heartless type of man's position, I'm not really happy because there's no one to cook food, wash dishes, wash clothes, etc. etc.

Of course, I think all that's totally worth it for some peace and quite in the house.

If the weather teases me anymore, I'm going to shoot myself

One day it's high up in the 80's. The next, it's raining and below 20. And the day after it's around 60. It's nearing April (pretty much is) and we still have more freezing cold days then mild. I was really looking forward to March but I guess I'm just going to have to wait until Summer officially kicks in....

In other news, life is continuing on in the same, dull pattern over and over. Had to do a piano performace for old people at the retirement home again. I might just be high, but I think I got more claps then usual. Really raised my self-esteem (even if it's just me thinking).

Report cards are coming out soon and my dad will behead me for sure. My mom's going back to Korea for a 5 month vacation. Oddly enough, she's coming back when my summer vacation starts. She claims it's this long "illness" she has, but I think what she really wants is a excuse to not go to work anymore. And more obvious reasons like meeting family members, etc. etc.

Mapleglobal hacking

*sigh*

It was fun while it lasted. Power guard hack is patched today... There goes my one, slight ray of hope on getting to level 90 in a week... I suppose getting to 39-63 in 2 days is better then nothing but I'm still dam disappointed...

In other news, life continually mocks me. Everytime I think I see reality, it closes and I'm blinded by my own thoughts and other's. Man it's annoying...

What is love?

I suppose getting heart broken is simply part of life. No denying that. But what if your afraid of it? What then? While everyone else around you is getting in relationships, your the only odd one out that never felt the satisfaction you get from a relationship.

I'm way too emotionally sensitive to go through all that. Getting denied, breaking up with someone and someone breaking up with you is way too intense for me. For me, the simple thought of someone else getting shattered because of me is enough to shatter me (Even though deep down, I know they'll get over it in a week).

While all my peers already went through this, I'm afraid of it. While everyone else can heal overtime, mine's like fragile glass; break it once and it'll never be repaired.

Of course, right now, there's only one person in the world who has that kind of power. Right now, one of the things that scares the living hell out of me is her denial. That horrible feeling that you get when you want to know something, but your afraid of the answer...... that feeling is something I know very well. What if I were to ask today or tomorrow and the answer wasn't the one I wanted? What then? Would my life be shattered to pieces? Would I go emo and start cutting myself?

Is it possible for love to be only one sided? A shield and not a sword?
...


But of course, who am I to speak? A coward who can't even take rejection...

Money's more addicting then drugs...

The day I got my debit card, I swore to myself I wouldn't excessively spend it on junk that I would throw away in 3-4 months. Here's all the stuff I spent in 2 days alone...


Pending
CHECKCARD PAYPAL *NEXON GAM 4029357733 CA...
-$5.00
$13.67

Pending
CHECKCARD 03/06 PAYPAL*NEXON GAME 4029357...
-$10.00
$18.67

Pending
CHECKCARD PAYPAL *GAMESERVI 4029357733 NE...
-$15.33
$28.67


03/06/2008
KEEP THE CHANGE TRANSFER TO ACCT 1988 FOR...

-$0.01
$44.00


03/06/2008
CHECKCARD 0305 PAYPAL*VALLYCOMMUN 402-93...

-$55.99
$44.01


02/27/2008
Deposit

$100.00
$100.00

In other words, I had $100 to begin with and in 2 days, I'm left with $13.67. The $55.99 is actually a pair of bluetooth earphones that I bought off eBay for an unbeatable price. That is the one purchase that I will never regret in my life, weather I like the earphones or not. However, the other $30 is on a online game. A online game that I will most likely quit in 6-7 months. And I spent $30 on it....

People, you have to realize how much $30 is. Sure, it's not enough to make much of a difference between getting a ferrari and a old a Honda Accord, but at an early age, $30 can make all the difference...

Holy shit my interim sucks...

Let's see... 1 "D", 1 "C", 4 "B", and 1 "A". Yeah I'm a goner for sure. I'd rather go all the way to the gates of hell and stay there then face my parents wraith...

Birthday sucked and Sunday sucked even more

If it was just a regular birthday, it would have been fine. But this was the so-called "sweet 16" birthday. The one birthday that I actually cared about. Granted, I got more loot then what I got for the past 16 years, but I'm still disappointed. Let's see here.... A bank account with $100 and my own debit card, books, and a trip to Outbacks. With my parents. How gay...

Sunday I got lectured on how to worship God properly. Apparently, somebodies been stalking me during mass because the Youth club leader (who's only a Senior himself) pretty much over exaggerated on all my flaws; sleeping, texting, and using phone. Sleeping, I plea guilty. As for texting and using the phone, I object. Sure, if you count taking out my phone to check to the time, then yes I'm using it. But seriously, I took out the phone for about 3 fucking minutes to check up on something (and it was during one of the most "least" important part of mass) and I got shot down in every possible angle.

Leap year day (thats what I call it) was waaaaaaay to ordinary. The whole day, I was thinking "Wow... in 4 years, I'll be out of this household. The next time I get to live and do stuff on Feburary 29 is when I'm in College..." Now with that, you would expect it to be more fun filled but damn... too boring...

Am I losing it?

Lately, I've been starting to feel paranoid over everything. I feel as though I'm been being watched all the time and I'm forgetting something. My bodies felt like it's been beat up by a mob several times and emotionally, I just feel... blegggghhhh.

If this keeps up, I think I'm going to go into a state of depression....

Not cool... D:

This is going to be problematic in the future...

Yesterday, a girl I really don't care about or would have wanted to care about (I'm being completely honest here) gave me a Valentines day heart thing. At first, I thought it was a joke because she made it out of blue cardboard paper right there. Then later, she gave me a card with the same cardboard paper.

Me, thinking it was some sort of stupid joke, just brushed it aside. Not as badly as your thinking. I took the card, looked at her, smiled a little, and just put it in my backpack. The usual.Occasionally, she would just stare at me blankly every once in a while. I caught this with my peripheral vision but I didn't bother look at her back. I had a story and a paper to finish.

Later on in the class, I noticed she was looking a little depressed. I didn't bother ask what was wrong because it was my turn to act (it was Drama class). The teacher got to her before I did (not that I would have went anyway) and she was sent to the nurse. She came back looking more gloomy, but one thing that I noticed for sure was she sat a lot further away from me.

I hate valentines....

Sleep deprived = NOT FUN

My moms been bitching at me all last night about time management. She says if I can't control using the computer and doing everything I'm suppose to be doing in a orderly fashion, I'm grounded (overlapping my already never ending grounded-state).

My rule of thumb: If you can get everything done while still doing everything you want to do, then everythings alright!

First driving lessons....

and all I can say is wow... driving is easy!

Not much to say really. For the first 5 minutes, I was messing around with everything. In the next 10 minutes, I was practicing turning. And for the final 20 minutes, I was driving around the parking lot with ease!

Now I just have to practice a little more, know all the little doo-hickies on the side and master the art of sign reading...

Failure isn't an option.... so why did I choose it?

Well evidently my parents think I'm a complete failure. Apparently, not getting into governor school is not going to College. And not going to College equals failing life. So the equation goes something like this.


Doing good in High School --> Good College
Good College --> Win life
Therefore through law of detachment; Doing good in High school = Win life
----
Doing bad in High School --> Mediocre/bad/no College
Mediocre/bad/no College --> Epic Phail
Epic Phail --> No point to life (in other words, your better off dead)
Therefore through law of detachment; Doing bad in High School = No point to life


Through law of syllogism, this states that doing good in High school will make you succeed at life!

So I guess what that means is I haven't exactly met my parents expectations. To be quite honest, I've been thinking about this topic myself for quite a bit (years to be honest), and I came across the same conclusion.

So now my parents think it, I think it, my friends think it, and my teachers think it. So let me ask; DID I fail life? :/

Really, I don't think living in shame and embarrassment in the shadows of my own friends will be any fun. It's already embarrassing and shameful enough that I had to repeat TWO classes (Geometry and Biology) while they are in IB (International Baccalaureate [near equivalent of AP {advance placement}])

Crushing defeat...

No I'm not talking about the football game.

Here in Yorktown, Virginia, there's a special school called the Governor school. This school is for kids who are extremely smart.

Now personally, I don't think getting into this school is all that hard. The only requirement is to have about a 3.2 GPA and to be in Algebra II/Trig by your Sophomore year in High School.

Well thats exactly me. Expect for the Algebra II part....

During my Freshmen year, I fooled around and I was forced to move. Little did I know that fooling around was going to cost me more then my friends. I not only failed to get into Algebra II (which, if I was following my High School outline, should be Pre-Cal instead), but I also failed to get into the school.

Why is this school so important? For many reasons. Some of the more commonly known ones are:

a.) It'll look EXTREMELY good on your transcript for College if you can manage to handle the amount of work they give you.

b.) It's the ONLY school that's public and actually FOCUSES on Computer Technology. No I don't mean typing lessons or how to use Excel. I mean deep stuff like C++ (which isn't all that deep).

All this time, I've been naive enough to believe I was eligible for entering. Today, I asked my school councilor and I finally learned the horrible truth. I won't go into details, but hearing the answer made me almost cry. I guess the only reason I didn't is because all this time, I secretly knew that I couldn't make it. I only denied it...

So not only is that gone, but another tremendous opportunity disappeared from me. I won't go into details but lets just say it's got something to do with girls (NOT SEX!!!!!!!)

Right now, I just feel like I want to die. But I'm a pussy so I can't do that either. So life's just going down the shitter right now... and I doubt anythings going to fix it...

My interpretation of the movie "Secret"

Every since I watched the movie, all these thoughts and logic started clashing together in my head. The thought of such a great movie with so many unanswered questions that leaves a huge plot hole is simply mind boggling.

And so, I finally found a place to post all my thoughts and finally unleash my inner thinkings.

Note that some of my thinking patterns are very close to tgan3's. Please know none of the stuff I am about to write is plagiarized from him. In fact, I only registered just today! I will, however, follow the order in which he wrote. This is only to make it easier on me.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Know this. What you are about to read is written by a 15 year old Sophomore. Everything WILL be jumbled up (but I tried to clean it up as much as I could) and most of it will be jumpy.

AND it's really REALLY long. So unless you have the time to spare, be prepare to press back....
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Okay so here's the thing. If you thought real carefully about the movie, then this thought should have come to your head at one point another; Is there different "time dimensions"?

Also, were there two Jays present throughout the whole movie?

In other words, are different time periods running parallel together? This one's EXTREMELY difficult to explain in words. But here's a ATTEMPT.

Basically, this is what I'm saying. Is there different dimensions that have different time periods (anywhere from 1 second ago to 20 years into the future)?

Just basically imagine a film strip. And now, imagine each one of those all running at the same time. Basically, one of those is one "time dimension". Now imagine all of those running at the same time.

I don't mean this type of running: (each "-" and "|" represents one box I guess)




- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Not running horizontally




^ this would be one going after another, causing motion picture.

The type of running I'm talking about is this:



| | | | | | | | | | | |



^ Notice how each one runs parallel next to each other?


Unless you occupied my head, I will never be able to explain this.

So to make things simple, I'll use use tgan's method.

Time dimension 1: Xiao Yu's time.
Time dimension 2: Jay Chou's time.

Let's get one thing clear: Xiao Yu most likely died because of these reasons.

1. She was saddened by the fact she will never be able to see Jay again. (she said so herself when she was talking to the teacher [or Jay's dad I presume])

2. Her mother's gone insane her teacher thinks she's mentally challenged. To add a step further, the so-called class president told everyone about this "secret".

3. She thought Jay was cheating on her with the other girl.

4. During the graduation, when she was writing with white out, the pressure of everything she's been through finally got to her and her asthma kicked in.

When Jay returned to the past, the building was being demolished at the time. As he pressed the final key, the piano itself was (probably) destroyed. If this is the case, then Jay has no future to return to because when you return to your own time, you return to the time that you played the piece (my theory). This was was never clarified so I can't say for sure. But lets just assume this is the case. If Jay has no future (or present), then whatever time period he's in becomes his present time. This might possibly explain the class photo.

As for why Xiao Yu is still alive? The only logical reason is Jay traveled further back in time. From here, logic is ignored because the movie also never clarified this whole "speed" (or tempo) issue. But, we can all presume Jay played super fast because.... well c'mon. A building's being demolished, you want to see your loved one again, and time is of essence. If it were me, I would have played so fast, I would have gone back to the dinosaur age! Anyway....

Depending on which subbed version of the movie you watched, this part might be different. However, the reason why Xiao Yu's mother said Xiao Yu was sick (when she was actually dead) was because she herself has gone insane. The death of her daughter was too much for her to handle and so, denial kicked in. In the past, when the character switched from Jay to Xiao Yu briefly, Xiao Yu was asked by her mother what she was like in the future. She couldn't say that she goes insane, so rather, she says the front door lock breaks (which does happen).*******



*******- Sorry guys. At this point, I am completely lost in thought. So many things are coming to me all at once and unfortunately, I only have two hands to type one idea at a time with. Basically, I completely forgot what I was talking about and what I was about to write. The fact that it's 11 pm (well past when I sleep) doesn't help either.


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Anyway, I was also interested in interpreting this whole "Jay-XiaoYu sibling issue.

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tgan3 wrote this |
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And also, why did the teacher and Xiao Yu talk as if they were so close, when Xiao Yu was explaining her secret of travelling to the future??...Although Xiao Yu address the teacher as "teacher" not "father"( This was because she didnt know that the teacher was her father, i'll explained it later... )Remember the beginning? Where Jay was in the school, and the teacher caught the two boys with cigarettes? We didnt know that Jay and the teacher were related in that scene, much similar to the case of the "young teacher" and Xiao Yu...It was only made known when they show Jay and the teacher eating together in their house...( haha nice clues laid out by jay chou )

Then why were the mother and father living in seperate homes? I guess they divorced when Xiao Yu was very young( So Xiao Yu cant remember whos her father )...That explains why the teacher is so concerned about Xiao Yu( asking her to come on graduation day and also taking a picture with her), and the teacher and Xiao Yu's mother didnt want to acknowledge they were together once...
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Ahh. There's actually a simple explanation for that. So simple that even a caveman can understand it. However, it's only a theory.

Basically, the teacher thought Xiao Yu was mentally challenged. Not just, but completely INSANE. This explains his kindness towards her (Seriously, do YOU treat mentally challenged people like you would treat a normal person? I think not).

Also, he knows she was getting bullied by her peers at school and knew she wouldn't come. Even though she wasn't insane (or mentally challenged even), he wanted to make her feel "normal" (which she already was) by getting her to go to the graduation.

Done moving

Oh man... the piano was a pain. So was a refrigerator. But it's finally done! I'll be going to my new school soon and I must admit. I am a little nervous. Hopefully, this decision to move was for the best.

I keep getting a hunch that there's something I'm going to regret very badly.... I just hope it isn't true.

Took my first exam

Fairly easy. Not too difficult. A lot easier then what I anticipated, to say the least. Considering the fact that I put absolutely NO effort into studying for these subjects (Biology and Spanish), it was quite a surprise.

Geography was FAR too easy. In fact, it was so easy I'm beginning to think that the "exam" I took wasn't the real one. Because I know for a fact I have never gotten anything above a 95% on a semester exam and I know for a fact that I got about 98-100% on this test. Weeeeeird. I just hope this blog didn't jynx it.

First community service hour

So after month over months of procrastination, I finally got my FIRST community service hour. And what a hour it was! Betcha $10 yours wasn't as unique as mine.

Basically, I went to a retirement home and played the piano (along with two girls) for an hour. We splitted the hour into three but we all get one hour into our service hours.

Great. Just 99 more hours until M.I.T...

Moving Schools

Yup I'm moving schools! The odds of anyone actually reading this is slim (1 in billion to be exact) but my happiness towards this event is worth writing about, whether anyone decides to read it or not.

So about 6 months ago, I made a move so stupid that I'm going to regret for as long as I live. I slacked off during my Freshmen year in High school and due to my extreme stupidity, my parents decided to move. Now, moving schools while living in the same city (or even states; possibly even one or two states away) isn't so bad. But my parents decided to take it to the next level. I lived in Las Vegas, Nevada; My parents decided to move all the way to Virginia; which, if you're not familiar with the US (shame on you tsk), is on the opposite ends of the Country.

However, my parents gave me the courtesy of choosing the school that I wished to go to. Well back then, at that moment, it didn't really matter because I thought I lost everything. I mean, afterall, what teenager actually wants to move from his/her hometown? Thats right, no one.

Well back in school, I was part of a AFJROTC unit. I figured the closest connection I can get to the next school that I'll very soon be attending was through the same classes. So my parents did a few research and found exactly one school with AFJROTC. My parents argued that my reasons weren't strong and I was being blinded by my past. (Obviously) I didn't listen.

6 months later, here I am, in this poor, old, runned down school building (the school I formerly attended in Vegas was about x4.3 times larger). Now here comes the bit biased part of this.

Before I begin, I'd like everyone (if anyone at all lol) to know I am NOT a racist. I have never (and never will) brushed shoulders with a Black. However, this school did manage to lower my own personal statues of Black Americans. Why? It's simple.

This school is 78% black's (not joking; on their website) and the way they treat everyone is basically CRAP. In fact, they actually end up treating each other like crap. The whole school is basically seperated into groups. It's basically among whites, Asians (0.1%), and hispanics. Now with blacks, it's different. Personally, the way they behave towards each other, I think blacks should have their own subsection. Among them, it's seperated into the smart blacks (the ones I like), the ghettos (the way media portrays them), and the obnoxious-I-Like-To-Yell-and-Scream-Cursewords-at-Teachers-etc.-etc.etc.

However, all that is about to change! In exactly one week (January 17, 2008 today), I will be moving schools. I went to the school just yesterday, and already the welcoming feeling is overwhelming. The school itself, physically, is already cleaner. The students are extremly nice (had to find the office and one student voluntarily led us [my mom and I]).

The office was also a LOT more friendlier, in terms of helping us out. For a change (for the good), I didn't hear curse words being screamed out from every direction of every side of the school. Kids were a lot more interactive and the overall feeling of the school was welcoming for a change.

Well I can go on and on about the school, but I really don't feel like typing the rest of this out. Plus I have to go do my homework anyway .